My Favorite Posts From Other Codep Writers

7408435634_30ba32a39f_z1.  From Letting Go–Finding Hope in Al Anon: “Catching Up-Life without G & H“: I haven’t been able write because I have been trying to catch up on the seven years of neglect in my house.  I cleared out my studio and installed cabinets that have been in my garage since I moved here. I save everything that I have some kind of vision for and generally beat myself up for being a pack rat. I am happy that I can finally make use of them.

I also couldn’t write because the g and the h of my keyboard went out. A lot words use g and h so my writing looked like a secret code.  I purchased a wireless keyboard and ordered a keyboard replacement yesterday.

My life has been on hold for a long time and I still feel guilty sometimes that it took me this long to heal. I thought I was healed a few times along the way but I know now that that wasn’t true. I could be fooling myself again.

When I heard the words “give up the search” and felt instant happiness I was perplexed. Why would that make me feel happy.  Since then I have mulled this over in my mind.  I understood about giving up the spiritual search but now I think there is more. There is always more isn’t there?

It is the wanting that has stopped.  The wanting for the life I lost and the wanting for my life to be replaced with something better. It is acceptance that what I am and what I have is enough. It is the acceptance that it is okay to not want what I have been told is normal and it is okay that other people do want it.

Nothing outside ourselves makes us truly happy forever which is the part no one wants to own to. We fill our lives with what seems like bliss from the outside and then find ourselves feeling trapped. We think that we have made a mistake and start looking for something else.

Read more here.

2.  From Rebelle Society: “ballad of the codependent lover” by Emma Reed Jones:
Part One: In Which I See that You are in a Cage.
… and I want to get you out of there. After all, I am very clever. I know a lot about cages (having inhabited a few). For one thing, I know that the locks aren’t real. The doors open easily; all you have to do is walk right through. Oh yes, I know all about it. And thank goodness! Because you will need me — need my expertise. I’m sure of it. I will climb into that cage with you and I will teach you everything I know. I will plumb my depths. I will dig down into the bottommost reaches of my soul, the places I hardly ever visit. I will pull out pearls. I will offer them to you — at first tentatively, and then with a greater force and abandon as you require more and more of this knowledge, this love. I feel you drinking in what I’m offering and I think, we’re getting somewhere.
Read more here.

3.  From Sharon W’s writing from her blog, Codependent Life:” Learning how to believe in me“:

I used to believe that if I just understood why that I could solve all my problems. Understanding why did not fix my problems. Besides there were somethings that obviously I was not meant to understand the why of. Understanding why I was insecure did not stop me from being insecure. Understanding why I could not control my husbands drinking did not stop me from trying to control his drinking. Understanding why I was fearful, needy and lonely did not stop me from being fearful, needy and lonely. You get the drift here.

Understanding why was not the solution. The damage had been done; my self-esteem had taken a serious hit. The damage created a vacuum, a void, inside of me that at times I tried to fill with people, places and things. It didn’t work. I felt inept, inadequate, inferior and alone. How could anyone else like me when I did not even like me? Nothing on the outside could heal the hurt on the inside of me. It could not stop my compulsive behavior to make other people like and except me. It did nothing to make me feel secure in my own skin.

I carried around a lot of baggage when I came into this program. I had contempt and self-pity for myself – anger, resentment and jealously for others. My perception of myself was wrapped up in my problems, in my alcoholic and in other people’s opinions of me. It was a long time before I could believe that other people, places and things did not define me.

Every time I sacrificed my needs for someone else’s wants it peeled another strip away from my self-esteem. Every time I allowed other people to use and take advantage of me it stripped a piece of my self-esteem off. Every time I accepted someone else’s ugly words directed at or towards me I lost another piece. The more of myself I lost, the more vulnerable and susceptible I became to be used and manipulated by other people.

Once I bought into someone else’s hurtful words and actions toward me then I joined the band wagon and began to say ugly things toward myself too. In order to experience healing and restoration in my soul, I had to learn to talk differently to myself. I learned that the private conservations I have with myself determine the direction of my life. In order for me to change it became necessary for me to learn to talk lovingly and kindly to myself. Even though I cannot always control the thoughts that popped into my head, I do control whether or not I am going to keep thinking about them and allowing them to take root in my mind.

Learning how to “live and let live” was not easy for me. There was no quick fix. It took a conscious effort on my part to just be me and allow other people to be whatever they wanted to be. I did not have to make someone else bad or wrong for me to be right. We could be two people with two different opinions. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was to not get sucked into explaining and justifying myself to others. I could say no thank you without giving a reason. I could choose something different, I could like something different or want something different and that was okay.

More times than not I have been my own worse enemy. Through denial and berating myself for past mistakes, I made this harder than it had to be. The wisdom of Step 4 helped me uncover the way I disrespected myself. In Step 7 I ask for God’s help to stop the self abuse and in the 8th Step I found myself at the top of my amends list. Forgiving myself in Step 9 allowed me the freedom to live and be happy in ways I never dreamed were possible.

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